


Weakness

by LilbitofLiah



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, PTSD, Shoker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22366165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilbitofLiah/pseuds/LilbitofLiah
Summary: Shepard is plagued by nightmares but she's been able to keep them to herself. She can't let her crew know that she was weak -they were all counting on her. When the nightmares get to be too real, she has no choice but to run to the one person she trusts most: Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau.
Relationships: Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Female Shepard
Kudos: 45





	Weakness

She remembers. She remembers everything. She remembers the feel of the fire heating up her armor as she carefully maneuvered through the battered and destroyed ship. She remembers the sound of the vacuum of space, how everything was deafening silent despite the fact that the ship was being torn apart by a giant laser beam. She remembers stepping over the dead bodies of her crew mates. And she remembers frantically shoving Joker into the last escape pod right before an explosion flung her back, out of reach of safety and instead into the void of space. It was so cold out there. At first, her skin prickled as the hairs froze. Then she heard the unmistakable hush of the oxygen in her suit rapidly escaping and that's when she discovered the burst in her air tank. Her lungs expanded to a painful swell and it quickly became harder to breathe until she couldn't breathe at all only a mere thirty seconds later. Her eyes, nose, and mouth became boiling hot but her lack of oxygen prevented her from screaming. And then she died.

She remembers all of it but what stood out the most was how far away she had floated out from the wreckage just before she died. She could see the giant pieces of the ship floating away from each other as the unidentified ship still shot red lasers at it. Below her were the escape pods navigating around the danger towards the nearest planet surface. Yet she was out here in the middle of nowhere, quickly suffocating and freezing to death. Or was she boiling to death? Her body felt both cold and hot inside and out. It was so cold. No, hot. No, cold. It hurt to breathe. She couldn't breathe. Her stomach bloated until it burst inside her. Her head swelled. Her limbs went stiff and wouldn't move no matter how much she tugged them. Then her ears boomed and everything went bright white.

The lighting of Shepard's fish tank cast a bright blue and white shadow over her bed. The light from her lamp on her desk lit up the rest of her cabin in a florescent yellow. Her body was sweating, leaving sweat stains on the sheets she found herself tangled in. It was a fight to the death to untangle herself. She panicked and started ripping at the sheets, eventually giving up and falling to the floor in an attempt to free herself. The impact knocked the last little bit of air in her lungs and she was left straggling through her cabin, towards the door, and out into the elevator. She placed a hand on the elevator wall to try and steady her shaking legs but she ended up falling to the floor and balling up on herself. When the doors dinged open, she hastily crawled and stumbled her way down the bridge and towards the cockpit.

The Normandy SR-2 now had a door blocking off the cockpit from the rest of the floor. No doubt it was one of Joker's demands. He often made snark remarks about how everyone was always bothering him on the SR-1. But, despite his remarks, he always said he enjoyed his conversations with Shepard. Shepard was the only person he didn't complain about invading his personal space. She was with him so often that at one point he stopped questioning her presence altogether. Until now when she ran at him like a bat out of hell. She flung herself into the back of his chair, causing him to jump ten feet into the air. Her hands grasped the headrest in a vice grip. Joker turned to stare at her, a hand on his heart to slow his pulse.

"With all due respect, Commander, what the absolute fuck is wrong with you?" he questioned frantically. He watched her, waiting for some type of justified response for scaring the shit out of him but she merely looked at him, then around the cockpit, wide-eyed as if searching for a threat. Joker went on high alert seeing her act like this. She was never like this. Something was wrong. "Commander?" he asked warily. "What's wrong?"

Her eyes continued to scan the cockpit before landing on him. Were those tears trickling down her face? He saw tears trickling down her face. Commander Shepard was _crying_. "I-I-I.... I just wanted to make sure you were okay" she choked out through her tears. Her hands shook on the headrest., her knuckles going white from how hard she was gripping it. Joker could see the sweat lingering on her forehead and her skin turning red in blotches.

"I'm fine, Commander." he told her softly. "Commander, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just... just a bad dream." she stuttered out. Joker's entire demeanor went soft to be as non-threatening as can be. He had a strong gut feeling on what her dream was about. God knows he's had the same nightmare too.

"Well, I'm fine, Shepard. Everything's fine." Joker said. Shepard nodded at him and, after several minutes of trying to calm herself down, she let go of the chair and turned away from him. "Wait! Shepard," he stopped her. "Come sit with me. Like old times, yeah?" he patted the co-pilot's chair and Shepard carefully hobbled over to it and plopped down. Her entire body was white as a ghost and Joker felt his heart break at the sight of Commander Fucking Shepard looking like a scared little girl. He had no idea she was suffering from these nightmares. Truthfully he didn't even think she'd remember any of it. Cerberus was honest with Joker when they told him Shepard was nothing but slabs of meat when they brought her in for reconstruction. He didn't believe it until he saw the pictures for himself. He asked for it. He needed proof that it was really Shepard. Even after she was revived, he wasn't sure how much of her memory had remained in tact.

But of course it was. And she was suffering from it. Joker understood how she was feeling. He's had the same nightmare night after night for months after it had happened. The guilt he felt for letting her die ate away at him until there was nothing left to eat at other than the alcohol and medications that filled his system. _If I hadn't stayed behind_ , he told himself. And now, seeing her like this, the guilt came back tenfold. He had selfishly hoped that she wouldn't remember just so he could ease his own conscience.

"Shepard?" he attempted to gain her attention but she ignored him. Her chest heaved as she tried to draw in air and her gaze remained forward out of the windows. Joker could see barely see the green in her eyes behind the dilated pupils as she stared out into empty space. Her hands gripped the armrests just as tightly as she had gripped the headrest before. Joker feared she'd lose it again and go running. "Hey hey hey, it's okay." he reached over to grab her hand. He had to pry it off of the armrest but she complied and let her fingers wrap around his hand. Despite her frightened state, she seemed to be aware enough to not grip his hand too hard.

"Shepard, focus on me, okay? You're alright." Joker pleaded softly but to no avail. Her attention was elsewhere. "EDI, close the shutters then give us some privacy." he spoke aloud to the Cerberus AI that may or may not be set to gather private intel on him and Shepard. The AI spoke back acknowledging the order and then the shutters closed. The blockade to the outside had pulled Shepard out of her haze.

"I'm sorry." she murmured.

"It's okay. Just stay with me, okay?" he told her and she nodded. Her hand tightened in his ever so slightly but this time it was out of comfort and not fear. Well, maybe a little bit of fear. "Ya know, I heard that Blasto has _another_ movie coming out. Talk about original." Joker rambled off. It was the first thing that came to mind to try and keep Shepard distracted. She didn't respond positively towards his comment. She merely eyed him and he saw some more tears trickle down her cheeks and she sniffled. She stayed silent otherwise.

"Hey, Shep, yesterday I heard Miranda and Jack going at it again. I'll have your back if you decide to kick them next time we dock." he chuckled for added lightheartedness but it did nothing. She didn't laugh back. She didn't even smile. Joker was at a loss of what to do at this point. Emotions weren't his expertise. Besides, he had no idea how to handle his own emotions let alone someone else's. And certainly not Shepard's. Shepard was always the strong one. She was the one everyone looked to for guidance and security. It never dawned on Joker that she could be feeling the weight of the entire world on her shoulders. She always carried herself with strength and certainty. It just now hit him that Shepard put on a face for everyone and that made him feel all the more worse.

He didn't know what to do and things had fallen completely silent around them. At least Shepard had stopped heaving. Even still, she wasn't alright. He was afraid to let go of her hand as if she might disappear again if he let her go. He just wouldn't be able to live with himself if he let her slip through his fingers again.

"Do you, maybe, wanna talk about it?" he asked. If not for the shake of her head, he would've thought she ignored him completely. And then, suddenly, she spoke which caught him completely off guard.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

"Yeah, Shep. Whatever you want."

Joker hadn't tried to engage in conversation after that. Shepard needed to sort through her emotions on her own. He'd be of no help if she had a wall up around herself. Against better judgement, Joker had closed his eyes and relaxed, eventually dozing off to sleep. That god the leather seats Cerberus had installed were comfortable. Way more than the original seats on the SR-1. They were even heated. Proper air flow seemed lax on the original Normandy and he often got chilly when flying. But the heated seats were like heaven on your ass. The warmth enveloped him and lulled him into a deep sleep.

A deep sleep that was quickly overrun with nightmares. He hadn't had _the_ nightmare since Shepard came back but this time it came running at him full force. The Normandy was in flames and he had just seen Shepard fly off into space. She hit the emergency eject button on the outside and his escape pod shut on him and shot off, leaving his Commander -his friend- behind. A pressure built up against his chest and he shook himself awake, gasping for air. His body was pinned in his chair and he looked down to see Shepard curled on in his lap, fast asleep. He felt her breath against his neck and her fingers tightly gripping the collar of his shirt. Joker took a deep breath to calm himself and carefully pulled Shepard closer. He held her, running a hand over her legs to comfort and ground himself.

"We're gonna be okay." he whispered into her hair. "We're gonna be okay."


End file.
